“People get stuck thinking they are one kind of person, but they aren’t. The human body essentially recreates itself every six months. Nearly every cell of hair and skin and bone dies and another is directed to it’s former place. You are not who you were in February.”

-Donald Miller* (A Million Miles in a Thousand Years)

*I recently heard Donald Miller interviewed on the radio and am so taken with his story. More to come…

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I have a to-do list a mile long.

There are many items that have been on it forever. One such item is to host a ‘Virtual Book Club’ here.

It seemed like a good idea but I have been procrastinating, procrastinating, procrastinating. One thing I know about myself is that if I work with someone else, I do not procrastinate. It seems to be much easier for me to be accountable to another person than to myself.

Recently I learned that my friend, spin and pilates instructor and fellow writer, (yes, they are all one person) Maren was reading the same book that had been sitting on my nightstand for a bit, Brene Brown‘s Daring Greatly.

And my procrastination ended. I asked Maren if she would be wiling to host my book club with me and she agreed.

We will kick off our club next week so grab a copy of Daring Greatly and get reading.

Or go to Brene’s website (I’ve decided we are going to be on a first name basis with her- I think she would approve) to learn a bit about her work.

Or watch Brene’s TED talk.

Or watch Brene on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday.

And enjoy…

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Some people dream of winning the lottery and moving to a small island. Others want to achieve fame and world-wide recognition.

My dreams are simpler but easier to achieve.

During this crazy season that is spring, I feel like I am living a life that is in direct conflict to many things that I hold to be important. In order for the girls to do the things they love, we are over-scheduled and tired.

In my haze of car pools and preparing meals that can be made ahead, I have come up with a bleary eyed description of a perfect town.

In my town, there would be no homework.

The other day, a gorgeous day, I called Katherine inside to do her homework. “But Mommy! I just want to play!!!”, she screamed. If I wasn’t such a rule follower, I would let the girls skip homework everyday. They need free time to play.

In my town, there would be no standardized testing.

Since March, Caroline has complained daily about the test preparation. She finds it dull and stressful. That’s a pretty terrible combination for a girl who loves school.

In my town, there would be no year round sports.

Soccer in our town is played year round. There are official seasons (with two practices and one game per week) during the fall and spring with training in the winter. For a family that works hard not to over-schedule, this makes exploring other activities challenging. Caroline is playing only soccer right now and misses the chance to do other things. Katherine is dancing and playing softball in addition to soccer and that is making our schedule really tight.

This weekend the girls were like ships passing in the night. Caroline had a scrimmage, a try out and two games. Katherine had soccer and softball. Their time to play together in the yard was limited and missed.

In my town, there would be no sports practices or games during dinner time.

It has become a rare occurence that our whole family (and there are only four of us) sits down to eat dinner together during the week. I try hard to prepare meals ahead of time that can be put on the table quickly after we arrive home from the last practice. The truth is though, this doesn’t always happen and even when it does it hard (and not realistic) for everyone to eat super early or late to accomodate the practice of the night.

So if anyone is handing out magic, let me know. I think I might need some to make these dreams come true.

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Last summer, I gladly took Katherine to see the latest Disney movie, Brave. Finally, there was a depiction of a strong and imperfect girl on the big screen. We loved the movie because it was fun and I loved it even more because it sent an important message to my little girl.

When we went to the movie, Merida looked like this.

Merida was fiercely independent, clever and strong. Who doesn’t want their own little ones to be just like that? Unless you are trying to get them to eat their vegetables but that is a post for another day.

Now Disney is set to release Merida’s ‘re-design.’

Merida appears to have dieted, hired a new dress maker who focuses on sexy and traded her love of archery for fancy clothes.

I am certainly not alone in preferring the descriptors, ‘fiercely independent, clever and strong’ over ‘skinny and sexy.’

I first learned of this disgusting change from Peggy Oreinstien. Read her take on the controversy here.

Then I discovered that one of my favorite stopping places on Facebook, A Mighty Girl, was all over the mess too. They had been alerted to the problem by The Mary Sue and have since created a petition through change.org.

Please go here if you interested in signing the petition to keep strong adjectives in our girl’s vocabulary.

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For years, I listened to the Oprah channel on XM Radio. Around the time that Oprah’s television show went off the air, the radio channel suffered and I stopped listening. Earlier this week, I stumbled on the station again and Oprah was interviewing John Kabat-Zinn whose work I love. I stopped to listen for a minute and that was he then recited this gorgeous poem.

Love After Love

The time will come 
when, with elation 
you will greet yourself arriving 
at your own door, in your own mirror 
and each will smile at the other’s welcome, 

and say, sit here. Eat. 
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart 
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you 

all your life, whom you ignored 
for another, who knows you by heart. 
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, 

the photographs, the desperate notes, 
peel your own image from the mirror. 
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott

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This morning I was feeling uninspired so I leafed through my journal to find some tidbit of something. As I flipped through pages, I found this.

“While out walking Daisy, Katherine looked up and saw a lot of birds. She said, “It looks like they are dancing to their music.”

Now, I had absolutely no recollection of this and the entry was dated April 13th of this year. A small passing comment that was cute enough to remember from the time it was said until I got home to write it down but then gone. Without the writing, it would be gone forever.

In some ways, this stresses me out. I go in and out of journaling phases. I often write down snippets on post its that get discarded or forgotten. Sometimes weeks will go by without my writing down a thing that the girls have said or done. So yes- this is stressful. I begin to feel like I need to be writing it all down lest it all disappear.

But then, when I am in a better place, I am able to simply be happy that I have written down anything. Because who would want to forget that the birds look like they are dancing to their own music…

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I have worn these bracelets for as long as I can remember. While I don’t know when I first started wearing them,  there is a charm on one dated 12-25-84. I would have been eleven then. Barely a year older than Caroline is now. How is it that these pieces, that feel so grown up to me, came in to my life when I was Caroline’s age? Time is truly a fleeting thing.

One is pretty thin. It holds only three charms. I am not sure if it has always been that way or if perhaps, I lost some over the years. Holding on to jewelry has never really been a strength of mine so I suppose at one point this bracelet might have been full. Now it has only three. One is a heart with Stacey written on one side and 12-25-84 on the other. Perhaps the start of this nearly 30 year old tradition. Again, how is this possible? And then one with the shield of Lincoln School, the place that was like home to me from 5th through 12th grade. And the third is from Wheelock College the place where my mother learned to become a teacher.

The second bracelet represents the trip I took to Europe after my Junior year of college. My friend Elizabeth and I traveled to what felt like a million countries in two weeks before settling for 6 week in Innsbruck, Austria. On this bracelets hangs, the Eifel Tower, the Tower of London, a beer stein, The Golden Roof and then a few mysterious charms- a shell and a shield both of unknown origin. I wonder if I was organized enough on the trip to find charms as I traveled or if perhaps, these were purchased before or after the fact. I don’t remember but regardless, I am glad to have them.

And then the third is my most treasured. On it, sit many of my grandfather’s cufflinks. When he died my grandmother took his pieces and turned them into gold charm bracelets for my mother and my aunt and silver bracelets for me and my cousin. This is the bracelet that always gets the most attention. When you wear charm bracelets, people seem drawn to touch them like a pregnant belly. They rub the charms between their fingers and clink them together to hear the bell like sound. These charms are the ones that draw the questions and the compliments.

As I answer and tell the stories of the charms, I am drawn back to those times, to those days. I haven’t added to these bracelets ever as an adult. It is only now writing this that I realize. Perhaps this is why they are so treasured. Not a part of today but of then. And of always.

*Post inspired by Ali Edward’s 31 Things.

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Image Source: www.law.georgetown.edu

Guilt is a powerful emotion. Because of it, I spent Saturday night navigating the world of a 13-year-old girl living in poverty.

My mother in law and a good friend of ours organized an event based on Missouri’s Community Action Poverty Simulation. I didn’t RSVP until days before the event. Let’s face it. Who wants to spend a beautiful Saturday evening imagining life in poverty? I certainly didn’t. I came up with all sorts of reasons not to go but in the end, I went. The women who were running the event have done a lot to support my work over the years. So I went. To be fair. Or so I thought.

It turns out that this event so radically changed my thought process that it physically exhausted me. The man who facilitated our work came up to me at the end of the program to make sure I was all right. “You look so tired.”, he said.

Here is how the simulation worked:

We sat in a small grouping of chairs that would become our family. In an envelope was a family profile describing who we would ‘be’ for the remainder of the hour. During this time, we had to work with the assets we were given to survive for a simulated month.

The month was broken in to four, twelve-minute weeks with 3 minute weekends in between. Each week, you went to work or school and paid our expenses. Along the way, we were handed cards that described a change in direction and plight.

Here is a brief description of my ‘family.’

The father, Paulo was not in the home. He was recently divorced and has custody of the four children. He has no contact with his ex-wife and she has failed to pay child support. He was incarcerated at the end of last month and can not pay bail. He typically works 40 hours/week for $10.75 per hour, for $1,517/per month after taxes.

A son Pablo, 21, typically a student at a local community college takes charge of the family for the month.

There are twin daughters, Patricia and Penelope, age 13, in junior high school.

And a son, Pedro, age 3.

At the start of the month, the family has $100. They also have a few items, such as a small amount of jewelry, a microwave oven and a camera.

Their housing, rent of $620.00, and child care, $85 per week, had already been paid for. Even with these large payments taken care of the following items remained:

$1 per trip for transportation (to represent gas, bus pass, or subway card)

$110 per week for food

$235 per month for utilities (gas, electric and phone)

$60 per month for clothes

$40 per month for miscellaneous items

The week began when the facilitator blew a whistle and ended when he blew it again. I started to dread that whistle. I never had enough time or enough money to accomplish very basic tasks. Playing a 13 girl was beyond exhausting.

In summary, we only had enough money to buy food during one of the four weeks. After applying for food stamps, our wallet was stolen and we were given only a very small amount of money to replace our original funds. The police filed a claim but were unable to do anything else. This left us without ID making it nearly impossible to navigate. We attempted to pawn a few of our valuables but after waiting in a very long line, we were told that the shop was not accepting them. At times the pawn shop did take our things but for a fraction of fair market value. We were unable to pay our utilities so they were shut off. Shortly after, we were evicted. We never understood why we were evicted but we had no time to talk to the management. We were too busy navigating the long lines at the pawn shop and social services to try to collect enough money to buy food. At 13, the twin girls were too young to work. Each weekend, we talked about the 21-year-old brother dropping out of community college to get a job (he hadn’t been able to get to any classes anyway) but he was unable to get to the hospital which was hiring because he was negotiating with the police, buying groceries or waiting on-line to pay the utilities. The 13-year-old girls were left to care for the 3-year-old, bringing him to child care before school, picking him up after and taking him with them wherever they went.

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this experience but here are the main things I learned:

When living in poverty, time, money and transportation are incredibly important. Nearly all your cognitive resources go in to figuring out how to have enough of each.

Feeding your family becomes your number one priority. Obtaining money for food and transportation to get to the store becomes all-consuming. While the 21-year-old in our simulation was clearly motivated to further his education, he was unable to go to classes at all during our month as he was forced in to the role of head of the household.

Before the simulation, I always wondered why people in poverty didn’t ‘just go to community college’ to break the cycle. Now I know that they are busy trying to keep their heads above water.

Concentrating in school is nearly impossible. As the 13-year-old in the family, I was completely unable to focus on the school work I was given to complete during my simulated school day. My mind was constantly worried about the 3-year-old at day care and what our older brother was accomplishing to get us money. I hurried from school each day to pick up the baby and do something to try to help our situation. I considered skipping school so that I could go to the pawn shop while our brother went to the police station to report the robbery or to social services to apply for food stamps.

Before the simulation, I thought that our education system was failing our poor children. Now I know that it is the cycle of poverty that is failing them. The best teachers with the most current materials and expert teaching practices can not teach hungry children who are worried about where they will sleep that night. 

There is no time to relax together as a family. Our entire weekend time was spent strategizing over how to survive the following week. There was no time to relax and certainly no time for completing homework, playing or reading aloud to the 3-year-old.

Before the simulation, I thought that putting books in the hands of poor children was the answer. Now I know that these parents want to read to their children but they need to feed and shelter them first. 

Moving in to a homeless shelter was a relief. After our eviction, we were lucky enough to secure the last spots in the homeless shelter. It was a huge relief to be there as food was provided. I had an incredibly hard time going to school the week we were in the shelter because we lost our spot when we left. I tried to skip out of school early to secure my spot.

Before the simulation, I thought that there was always a place for the homeless to go. Now I know that people can consider themselves ‘lucky’ to get a spot in a shelter. 

I would have done desperate things for money. We learned in our discussion after the simulation, that there were some steps left out of our examples. In some simulations, there are drug dealers and pimps. Our facilitator quoted a statistic that within 3 days of being homeless, a teenage girl will consider selling her body for money.

Before the simulation I would have told you that only the weak and  promiscuous would sell drugs or prostitute themselves. Now I know that people make impossibly hard choices to support their families. 

Our facilitator shared that after going through an experience like this, people will be motivated to create change for 20 days. After that the emotion and the shock will wear off and people will go back to their every day lives. Here’s to making something incredible happen before I forget this experience.

 

 

 

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This week, I was given the chance to pull together a playlist for my ‘birthday spin class.’ Our spin instructor encourages us to do this each year but it is the first time I took advantage of her offer. Not being too much in to music, I felt intimidated by choosing fun songs that would fit well in a spin class. One choice was easy though. Of all the songs I have heard in spin, my favorite is Servant of Peace by Snatam Kuar. If you haven’t had the chance to hear it, it is a must listen. After listening to the song, many times, I learned that the lyrics are taken from the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi.

I think the words below are important for us all, regardless of faith or belief. Enjoy…

Prayer of St Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy Peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

Oh Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
It is in dying that we are born into eternal life.

-Snatam Kuar, Servant of Peace

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In Susannah Conway’s amazing class, Blogging from the Heart, she suggests many fun prompts.

I am using one of them today…

‘What is on your nightstand’ is so much more than just a list of what is on your nightstand. After I took this picture, I realized there is a good reason why Susannah included this as a prompt. What is on your nightstand is truly a snap shot in to your life at that moment.

Here is what I saw when I looked closely at mine:

A notebook. I am trying to remember my dreams so I have a notebook ready and waiting to accept any fleeting memories when I awake. Notice it is blank. Oh well, worth the try.

My Kindle. I just finished and really enjoyed A Good House by Anne Leary and have moved on to The Dinner by Herman Koch.

Daring Greatly. This is Brene Brown’s latest. I have often read of her work but this will be my first book of hers. After reading her parenting manifesto that is included in Daring Greatly, I knew it was a must read. I am sure I will have more to say on this soon…

A pile of tween reads. Middle grade novels are often my favorite and I hadn’t read any in awhile so I stocked up. Included in my pile are some titles that are getting a lot of buzz. The Center of Everything, Hold Fast and Rump.

A book to re-read. I never ever re-read and I am starting to wonder if I am missing out. My memory is not the greatest so quite frankly, while I remember adoring The History of Love, I don’t exactly recall what it was about. Perhaps I would love it all over again.

A decorative candle and jar. I have learned that when you put your house on the market you fall in love with a certain store called Home Goods. Many trips later, my home was beautifully decorated just in time to sell it to someone else.

Saline nose spray. In order to enjoy the beauty of the flowering trees, this has become my fast friend.

Anyone want to share what is on their nightstand? Now I’m quite curious…

 

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