On Saturday, a week after Charlottesville, I realized what I needed to help me feel even a tad bit better about the state of our world. I needed picture book therapy.

I read picture books with the girls each and every day for years and years and years. In fact, Katherine and I read pictures books over breakfast until not so long ago. In the past few months though, our picture book reading has dwindled off so on Saturday, I headed to our favorite independent bookstore, The Curious Reader. I told Sally and Chris, two amazing booksellers, that I needed to read their current favorite picture books. Sally and Chris know me well and we often talk politics when I am there so they didn’t needed to ask what needed curing.

They both headed off in different directions and soon I sat on the floor surrounded by an enormous pile of books. I worked my way through book after book and truly, I did feel better. There were books that made me think and books that just made me laugh. It took me awhile to whittle down my pile of books that I would bring home but I did and here they are.*

Picture Books to Make You Think

Strictly No Elephants written by Lisa Mantchev & illustrated by Taeeun Yoo

Strictly No Elephants is my favorite from this list. Mantchev tells the story of a little boy and his pet elephant who are excluded from a pet club and what they do about it. This book shares an amazing lesson without feeling too didactic.

The Rooster Who Would Not Be Quiet written by Carmen Agra Deedy & illustrated by Eugene Yelchin

The Rooster Who Not Be Quiet reminds all of us to find our voice and use it. There’s even a touch of a lesson about the political process buried inside this story.

This Is how We Do It: One Day in the Lives of Seven Kids from around the World written & illustrated by Matt Lamothe

When I first read this book, I thought it wasn’t all that unique. Each spread shows how children in various parts of the world do things throughout their days like eat lunch, go to school and do chores. The cool part of this book appears on the very last page when you meet the real families that inspire the seven kids throughout the pages. When it is more important than ever to understand the people who are different from us, reading this book was a great way to spend some time.

Picture Books to Make You Smile

You Must Bring a Hat! written by Simon Phillip & illustrated by Kate Hindley

This might just be my favorite picture book of the year. A little boy receives a invitation to a party and goes about following all the requirements for attendance. I know this does not sound fun, but believe me, it is!

Professional Crocodile written by Giovanna Zoboli & Mariachiara di Giogio

I am not one for wordless picture books so when Sally brought me this one I was confused. But then I read the book. There is a major spoiler in this one so I will not say anything else about this book other than, read it.

Danny McGee Drinks the Sea by written by Andy Stanton & illustrated by Neal Layton

Danny McGee is a little boy who consumes everything in sight. Or at least almost everything. This is one of those books that I know will make children of all ages laugh out loud.

*And now I’m going to climb up on to my soap box for a moment so consider yourself warned. The girls don’t read a ton of picture books anymore as I mentioned above but this has not stopped me from buying them. In much the same way that we give money to NPR each month, I buy books, even hardcover books, from The Curious Reader at least once a month. I do not take for granted the luxury we have to be able to walk in to a bookstore with owners who know us as readers and who stock books that we would not know about on our own. We can talk a lot about how great independent book stores are but unless we spend money in them, they will go away. And don’t get me wrong, I still go to the library. I use a Kindle and it is possible that I buy some books in other locations (shhh… don’t tell Sally and Chris) but I always make sure to buy books at our favorite brick and mortar store. Thank you Curious Reader for being there for us!

 

 

 

 

 

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When I read this tweet on Saturday afternoon, I felt sick to my stomach. What was I doing? I was cleaning out Katherine’s closet. I had to turn off the tv because I was so upset and disgusted (and this was before anyone died at the hands of an evil message and messenger) and I needed to do something. And I decided that something was to clean out closets.

In the past, when I thought back to what I would have done during slavery, the Holocaust or the Civil Rights movement, I certainly imagined myself hiding neighbors or marching in the streets. I did not imagine myself cleaning out closets and desperately hoping that all the evil and hatred would go away if I just turned my back for a moment.

A bit later, I heard from a friend who has been active in the racial justice community for a long time. She told me that I could use my writing for good. I could be active on social media. I could share information about the March for Racial Justice that she is organizing in September.

And you know what I did? I went back to cleaning Katherine’s closet. And I posted a message about love on Facebook. And I have have been sad and angry since then. I have watched the news way too much. I have spent hours scrolling through Twitter for answers.

Cleaning closets. Watching the news. Consuming social media. These things are not working.

I am scared to march. Or even to attend a vigil. I worry for the safety of our family if we choose to do these things. I am also scared to use my writing and my social media presence to speak my truth. I have read through the posts of like-minded friends and seen the comments that have followed and it makes me scared to engage. I do not know if I have the strength to defend ‘my side’ in a situation where I believe with all my heart that there is only one side that is right and just and true.

I have thought a lot since Saturday about the power of unsaid words. Today I read a post written by Shannan Younger at Between Us Parents. She wrote about her need to speak out and she shared the following words from Desmund Tutu:

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”

Both this quote and Shannan’s post convinced that it was time to write.

I am not sure how much more I will write about this or what I will do next. But I know that writing nothing is not working. This is my next step.

 

 

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I can’t stop watching Criminal Minds. On the surface, this is a tad disturbing. And I don’t mean the show which is way more than a tad disturbing. I mean the fact that I can’t stop watching the show. In each episode of this fictional drama, members of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit (BAU) are presented with a serial killer’s case. The shows are full of terror, violence and a bit of interpersonal drama between the cast members. For awhile I told myself I was drawn to the relationships, not the gore. Then though, I realized something.

In each and every episode, the case is solved. The killer is brought to justice. And not just that- this show is the very definition of formulaic. The show opens with the killer murdering a victim. The opening credits role. The BAU is presented with the case and they hop on their private jet to reach the scene as soon as possible. Shortly after landing, the killer strikes again. And then another victim is taken but not killed. The BAU does their thing and twenty three minutes later they find the killer and the victim moments before it would be too late. This is the plot every single time. I mean every.single.time.

I’ve decided the predictability of this show is what makes me come back to it again and again. As a mom, everything is up in the air right now. It is summer so each week and almost each day brings with it a new schedule. In the fall, we will have a high schooler and a middle schooler so the girl’s lives are changing faster and faster. Their questions and concerns are all new and I struggle to know the answers. All this change can be a bit exhausting.

So enter… the predictable crime drama. If you haven’t tried this slightly bizarre form of self-soothing, I highly recommend it. And if you have, let me know where I should turn after I watch all that Criminal Minds has to offer.

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Dear Caroline,

Today you turn fourteen. I’ve been writing these birthday letters for a long time now but I am always amazed that another year has passed. Each July I am reminded of Gretchen Rubin’s quote, “The days are long but the years are short.” Somehow, each year, while still 365 days long, seems to go faster and faster as you get older and older.

With each year, I feel more and more convinced that all the moms that talked to me when you were a baby were, in fact, right. I was so sleep deprived in those years that I truly believed as soon as I slept through the night again, this parenting thing would be simple. And all those moms said in a whisper, feeling the need to tell the truth but not to scare me, ‘Little people, little problems. Big people, big problems.’

Fortunately, for us I would change the phrase a bit and replace the word ‘problems’ with ‘decisions’. You are a smart, kind and responsible girl. The problems have been few and far between. But the decisions, for both of us, have come faster and faster. And the implications of those decisions have become bigger and bigger.

Now you are deciding what kind of friend you will be and who you will surround yourself with. You are deciding how to prioritize your schedule academically, athletically and socially. And no longer can we say that those decisions really don’t matter. You will start high school next year. Things start to ‘count’ now.

Now we are deciding if you can be in houses without parents. And if that answer changes if there are boys in those houses. If you can walk across town. If you can take an Uber. If you can be at a party where there could be alcohol. If we should track you on your phone when you are out. If we should read your texts.

Slowly though, we are starting to see that together, we are making some wise decisions. Your hard work at school is being recognized and we know that you will continue to grow academically as you move on to high school in September. You have surrounded yourself with friends that you love and who love you. This is not small feat during these middle school years. And you have embraced your love of soccer and learned through this that sometimes dedication, showing up and a good attitude are everything.

We love you so much baby girl. Have a happy birthday and a happy, happy year!

 

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I haven’t written much lately. This blog seems to a be a collection of posts starting with those same words. I’m going to try again and see if I can get my writing habit to stick this time. I miss writing in this space. I miss writing in general so here goes. I decided to start with the easiest type of post for me. And yes, I know it is not quite the end of the month but I think it’s close enough.

What I’m Reading

Rob and I went away last week and I decided that a vacation called for Jodi Picolt. I started her latest, Small Great Things and it’s giving me a lot to think about. I also started Waking Gods, the sequel to one of my favorites from last year, Sleeping Giants. I’m really enjoying both of them but I have to remind myself to never start two books at the same time. I know many people who can do this but I am not one of them!

What I’m Writing

See above.

What I’m Watching

Sadly, I am not in the middle of any fun shows right now. That said, what I am watching are all the amazing photographs being shared in Tracey Clark’s on-line class, Picture Spring. I first took a class with Tracey six years ago now and I’m so happy to be in a similar space with old and new photography friends. Having a new photo prompt each day has reminded to look at the world in a different way again and I am so happy to be back behind the lens- or the iPhone as the case may be :).

What I’m Talking About

So much is in flux right now that change and the challenge of it seems to be filling the spaces in many of my conversations. The political world is spinning and my head and heart hurt from it. And then within our own four walls, everything is shifting as well. We are in the last month of school and at the end of June, Katherine will leave elementary school and Caroline will leave the middle school. They are both ready for these milestones and excited for their next adventures but the change feels huge.

What I’m Listening To

I am still listening to podcasts all the time- when I am driving, walking Daisy, cooking, folding the laundry…There are so many great podcasts to explore but my current favorites include What Should I Read Next, All the Books, Get Booked, Sorta Awesome, Pop Culture Happy Hour and The Popcast.

 

 

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Each year, I mark the girl’s birthdays here with a letter and thoughts from the year. Today feels like a really big one. Our baby is eleven!

Dear Katherine,

I remember when you turned ten. I thought you were getting to be so big. Double digits after all. Today you turn eleven and this milestone feels so much bigger. You are a tween, far closer to your teen years than the toddler ones.

This weekend, you and I traveled to Boston to do what you love most- dance. You were gorgeous on stage and I love seeing you there. But even more, I love seeing you in your classes and with your friends. This weekend was a perfect way for me to think back on all that you have become this year. You worked hard as always in school and you have amazing friends there. Many that you have loved for as long as you can remember. But this year, for you, was all about dance and the lessons that dance has given you.

Dance always came easily to you until you took a big leap (pardon the pun!) to a new studio where you knew no one and realized that, to meet your goals, you had a lot of hard work to do. Many times over the course of this year, I have thought that you were being too hard on yourself. That perhaps your goal and your plan were too big a stretch (sorry- that was also not intentional but there really isn’t a better word!). I have second guessed myself and my role as your guide through this. But never once have you wavered. Never once have you considered quitting. Never once have considered doing anything other than working harder. You are laser-focused on what you want and how to get there.

Yesterday as we drove home you sat, like the big girl you are, in the front seat beside me. I glanced over and saw you put both arms behind your head as you leaned back and closed your eyes. My mind raced back to picture you in your infant car seat still facing backwards. I would watch your reflection in the tiny mirror we had attached to the back seat as your chubby arms reached up behind your head. This was always the sign that you were about to fall asleep. In those days, I worried that if you slept in the car, you would not take a nap. You would not fall asleep that night. Yesterday, I was able to just watch, knowing now as I didn’t then, to trust you. You know what is right for you. Of course, you still need me to guide you but you know yourself. You know what you want. And you know that you will achieve it.

You have learned so much this year but I think perhaps you have taught me more. I love  you for all that you are and for all that you bring to me each and every day.

Happy Birthday baby girl. May this year be everything that you want it to be!

xo, Mom

 

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I know I am not alone in suffering from a type of brain fog these days. I am often pretty distracted but in recent months, I have really struggled to focus. I am pulled toward the news of the day in a way that makes me anxious and unsettled but I can’t stop watching, scrolling and reading.

A few weeks ago I posted a plea on my Facebook page asking for a book that would keep my attention. I was looking for a page turner and assumed a thriller was what I needed. I received a bunch of recommendations but decided to go with the least likely candidate, Little Chapel on the River: A Pub, a Town and the Search for What Matters Most. My friends Deanne wrote, ‘Have you ever read Little Chapel on the River by Gwendolyn Bounds? It’s one of my faves. It’ll make you feel better about people.’ Feeling better about people sounded just right so I downloaded the book and started reading.

Deanne and I have similar tastes and similar feelings these days so I was not surprised that her recommendation was perfect. As soon as I started reading, I actually felt a bit calmer. Despite the book opening with 9/11, the author’s voice was just what I needed to read. And her journey out of the city after the attacks to a small town on the Hudson River was exactly the escape that I wanted to take. Gwendolyn Bounds, a writer at the Wall Street Journal, spends the year after 9/11 getting to know the community of people that come together at small bar called Guinan’s and learns a lot about the world in the process.

I highlighted a few passages as I read and I think this one sums up the book pretty perfectly.

“Obviously, I don’t come here to pick up girls because there usually aren’t any. It’s not about the food, ’cause there isn’t any of that either. It’s just this calm place where everybody’s telling stories and some guy who’s a millionaire stockbroker is sitting next to a  poor carpenter- and they’re equal. You either love it or you hate it.”

I’m pretty sure this is a place that I would love a lot right about now…

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Today I sat down to write and instead I stared at a flashing vertical line on a WordPress page titled ‘add new post.’ I struggle with writer’s block a lot but it feels worse this time. Years ago, I wrote with the talented Lisa Garrigues and she told me to just keep moving my pen and if I had nothing to say, to keep writing anyway.

As I thought of Lisa’s advice this morning, my mind flashed to an idea. Oprah writes a column titled, ‘What I Know For Sure’. Perhaps on this day when I feel like I know nothing for sure, I should ‘be like Oprah.’ So here goes…

I know that many people do not understand why I marched on Saturday.

I know that I want to try to explain to people who don’t understand but I know that I am scared to do so. I know I do not have the strength to argue about it.

I know that I am struggling to listen to the ‘other side’ right now and I imagine that people who think differently than I do are having a hard time listening to me.

I know that I have many philosophical concerns about the state of our country but I also know that there are things I worry about more.

I know that I am worried that we have lost the ability to listen to each other. I know that I am just as guilty of this as my friends on ‘the other side.’

I know that it is a problem that we have drawn sides.

I know that this election and inauguration are different.

I know that I would be happier if everyone felt the same way.

I know that we can disagree on policy and strategy. I know that I have disagreed with  many politicians on each but I have never been fearful and anxious the way I am today.

I know that truth matters. I know that words matter. I know that facts matter.

I know this for sure.

 

 

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There are so many things that I wanted to say and to write about over the last few months but my words and thoughts keep getting mixed up and I feel completely overwhelmed all the time. There is much that I don’t trust or understand about the incoming administration. While I feel fairly confident that many of the cabinet nominees are simply wrong and/or unqualified for their proposed job, there aren’t many that I can speak to personally so I have kept (relatively) quiet.

Education though is an area that I understand. I worked as a speech therapist and reading specialist in public and private schools. I worked in urban and suburban areas. I wrote and implemented Individual Education Plans for students receiving special education. I worked in an underperforming school when No Child Left Behind was first implemented. I have two girls currently in public schools. I have served as our home school administration president at both our elementary and our middle school which has given me the unique opportunity to get to know the administration and staff in both schools in a different way than I had as a teacher or as a parent.

All this is prelude to the fact that the nomination of Betsy DeVos has terrified me from the start. Before yesterday, I knew that DeVos never attended public schools. I knew that her children never attended public schools. I knew that no one in her family required student loans to go to college. I knew that she was not an educator. I knew that she had never taught in or worked in a public school. I knew that she was pro-charter schools and school choice. I knew that she brought this reform to the Detroit schools and I knew the Detroit schools were not turned around as a result of this reform. I knew that if you like the idea of charter schools and vouchers there are people who have implemented these reforms with far greater success than Betsy DeVos.

What I did not know until yesterday was how limited DeVos’ knowledge is about pressing issues in the world of public education. In today’s age of the Common Core and mandated testing, she could not intelligently respond to questions regarding growth vs. proficiency. She appeared unfamiliar with the basic tenants of the Individual with Disabilities Education Act that is in place to insure appropriate education for our students requiring special education. She repeatedly stated that decisions would be turned back to the state. At one point, she was asked if students receiving special education services were unsatisfied by the services they were receiving in their state if they should perhaps, move to a state with a more robust special education services. She shrugged her shoulders as if maybe that was a good idea. I wonder if she knows the costs and implications of moving a family with special needs to another state? Her response did not imply that she did.

And these thoughts are only the beginning of what concerned me about Betsy DeVos’ statements. Please don’t get me started on guns and grizzly bears and the fact that her response to a question about guns in schools was addressed to a man who has represented the families of Sandy Hook.

I am not sure what I hope to accomplish by writing out my reactions to Besty DeVos’ nomination. All I know is that reading and writing make me feel better sometimes so I thought perhaps it was time to get my thoughts out of my head and on to the screen…

 

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I don’t usually listen to music in the car as I prefer talk radio or podcasts. And no worries if you are judging. The girls think I am crazy and we listen to only music when they are riding with me.

All that said, during this season, I listen to Christmas music constantly. I have my favorites and love adding to my list.

Here is what I am listening to right now. I’d love to know your favorites and what you think I should add!

O’ Come, O’Come, Emmanuel by Sugarland (Thank you to Lindsey Mead at A Design so Vast for recommending this song years ago!)

Do they Know it’s Christmas by the Barenaked Ladies

O Holy Night by Martina McBride

Do you Hear What I Hear? by Mary J. Blige

Universal Child by Annie Lennox

Gabriel’s Message by Sting

Silent Night by Josh Groban

What Chid is This by Sarah McLachlan

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